YES no.3 - a walk

I had to work today and yesterday and every day this week, well didn't really have to, but it's a stupid coping strategy I used to use for the past couple of years because I couldn't cope with free time, I always freaked out. I still rarely have any free time ever and sometimes I think it is for the better.

After work I just wanted to take a nap but I made myself go for a walk as my today's YES to life. I live within walking distance to this absolutely ridiculously gorgeous nature reserve, it's so damn beautiful it trips me out in a weird way but also pulls me in somehow, I don't know how to describe it, I felt more surreal and hyper than usual but less anxious and generally okay. I still had depersonalization but it wasn't awful like it sometimes is, it was just there.

But it was scary to, in the way over-the-top emotions are scary. I am thinking that I get why some kids with severe disabilities have such a hard time coping with overstimulation even when the stimuli are pleasant. It's like being flooded, swept away with impulses, helplessly swayed. It almost hurts and it definitely is scary. I can see how some people with disabilities go into seizures when they get excited about something. 

That is why I so often settle for the numb. Of course it's not the same thing, as I don't think (although sometimes I do consider the possibility) that my issues are as much neurological as they are, you know, mental (and of course my issues are about 1000 times less severe as those of the people I have in mind, please don't think I'm claiming to know how hard these kids have it, I don't and I have nothing but immense respect and admiration for the heroes that folks with severe combined disabilities are forced to become). 

I have mood issues, both ways,  I get manic easily and lose control and then I keep going until I crash and the higher I went, the harder I fall. Which is basically why I tend to get so disgustingly passive and negativist and wallowing in depression, because whenever I try to "get well", I get a little too well, I get manic and ecstatic and perfectionist, like I always overshoot the center. And I can already feel that happening, I went from super-blue on Thursday straight to manic, only slept for 4 hours last night and am thinking 1000 miles a minute.

Still, the walk was great, it made me feel healthier/saner, even if it brings it's own issues with it, I am excited to keep doing this every day. Like, what else is there to do? Stay down? I'm not going to. Even if it means I get crazy and do unbelievable mistakes and embarrass myself and than crash super hard like I did before, like I did every time I tried to pick myself up, I have to try, try again.