The daily YES: YES no.1, a dirty book

Friday, January 20, 2012

YES no.1, a dirty book

Somehow I got over myself today, if only for some time. I treated myself to a book of actual smut - The Unbearables Book of Sex. Thats a long way from trying to read something that I care about among the lines of mainstream junk (like Twilight or Glee).

It feels like a deep inhale after holding my breath for ages without realizing it.

I am a queer person, and a person with her own ideas about how to live her life (often in the realms of the alternative, whatever that means).

So this year, I am not trying to fit my round self into a square form. Just not interested in that anymore.

Major personal manifesto coming up.
I don't want to be what I described on Thursday.

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On my plate long-term-ish

10k race (currently absolutely done after 2km, so this one should be interesting) - 6/9 2012

exams in object oriented programming (first step being finding out what in hell is this object anyway - no background in programming whatsoever, just wanted a challenge for my hyper-productive (naggy) brain that won't shut up, as in let the bitch-brain produce something more useful than 100 new good reasons to loathe myself for a change and since I like languages, figured that Java might be just the thing so I enrolled in a class that is WAY more advanced than I thought and now too stubborn to back out:) - June 2012

thesis (the way-too-long working title being Social service planning with clients who have learning disabilities - overcoming communication barriers with the Easy Read format) - due 2013

The Manifesto

I am a 21 years old European dork, radical-queer-feminist-lefty-primitivist-atheist working student with a dissociation disorder, social anxiety and some sensory-processing and mood issues, determined, for now, to keep choosing life (despite thinking of the other option), everyday, on her journey of embracing (or not) her crazy whilst reflecting on this culture's crazy.

Although my header might suggest otherwise, please know that I am not some damn curebie; this process of choosing to hang on, to be well, to be awake, to say my YES to life, day after day, is my definition of sanity - the integration of all aspects of one's self allowing for sustained emotional well-being and freedom to make choices about one's lifestyle in a way that is meaningful to the individual without compromise (as opposed to the notion that only the "typical" ones can be healthy/sane).

I aim to be and maintain being empowered and thriving, viewing my mental health issues (and/or possible neurodevelopmental issues, which are two very different things and should not be confused) as an integral part of my experience of being human.

I have many self-destructive impulses and am easily carried away and/or overwhelmed, which is when I get out of my center, tripped-out, trapped in obsessive thoughts, guilt and sadness, my quality of life plummets, I cease to function and basically everything goes to hell. (Which is my, and maybe the universal, version of non-sanity.) That has happened to me many a time before, I used to be so, so miserable and disempowered and disconnected and on the brink of - (no, I am not going to talk about suicide here) I don't ever want to go there again.

That is why I have committed to doing something life-affirming every day, no excuses. Doing one thing that makes me feel good (even when I can't see any reasons to make myself feel good). I think of that as saying a little YES to life every day (to make up for all the times when I feel indifferent or negative towards it).

The daily YES

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Friday, January 20, 2012

YES no.1, a dirty book

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