This is a fab campaign, I have seen it previously thanks to Noel, a person I deeply admire, and loved it, shared on fb and all, while it was still about the other people for me, while I still was invested in this issue (mental health prejudice etc.) only as an ally and supporter (I thought).
But now? Rethink mental illness? Not there yet. I want to beat myself up, to think I am alone in this, to dehumanize myself. I know, whiny and stupid. But it's my process. I will get there. But right now, it's too raw yet.
It's so fucking confusing. I have anxiety, social and generalized, altered judgement, impulsivity, mood issues, don't read social situations well and most of all, I feel divorced from reality. That in itself is challenging and sometimes it paralyzes me. It's like a permanent bad trip (not like I ever did any drugs ever, it's just how I think a bad trip would feel). And in that state, you have to reflect on your state? Assess it accurately? See a doctor, get help, manage your own treatment? I just feel so scared, so completely unsheltered and at the mercy of others. I have very good reasons not to trust myself to take care of myself. I have no one else to trust to take care of me. I will get through this, but right now I can't see how, at all.
And I have so much shame. Me, who used to see herself as the perfect miss empowerment and disability rights. I am deeply, deeply ashamed for being a person with mental health issues.
0 comments:
Post a Comment